Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Episode 84: Pitch-Perfect Dark (Jet Black)

The protagonists are almost ready for the last adventure.
The antagonists are almost ready for the last adventure.
A third side has made itself known: Chao Talk.
We may very well have a cosmic horror story to end the show.

Season Eight: The Last Journey
Episode Eighty-Four: Six Degrees of Progressive Darkness, DEGREE FIVE: Pitch-Perfect Dark (Jet Black)
[the story resumes in the void as the crowd of the Camper Festival is approaching]
Chapter 1: The Truth Unwinding, the End Unwritten
Shade: We need to clear a lot of things up. Now.
Shadow: But we can't while we're in the void; those.. people can easily get to us. Aren't there safer places to go?
Nite: Unlikely. Nowhere's safe anymore.
Shadow: What about the rip in spacetime beyond the planet of pure dooky?
Egg: ……y'know, why didn't we think of that?
[the characters appear in the STR]
Egg: Okay. Okay, we're safe now.
Shadow: Good. Let's.. let's fucking straighten all this out. Let me clear some space.

The chaos drive was said to be in the Station Square Prison, but we found everyone there dead except for a Dalek. It was the peppy one, the one Dark liked. We then found a strange corridor which took us to the Camper Festival,
where Dream Theater sacrificed themselves to save our lives.

MK: Right. The Doll and I just took a walk in the void, man, and it led us to the Festival. Next thing we knew, the crowd was grabbing us.
Egg: This is where we're going to have to explain some things. Allow me the clearing of space!

It turns out creatures have been stealing the chaos drives and leading them to Chao Talk. I'm sure you remember what happened the last time there was a chaos drive there-- it made the city all-powerful. That city is inhuman.
The creatures, in question.. well. I said they were Fears, which are the public domain eldritch abominations DJay has been writing with, but.. they're not! I was mistaken.
They're the Beta Avengers. But unexpected developments have turned the Beta Avengers into.. well, into the closest things to Fears. What more, there are extra figures with them, figures we can't even recognize.
It would actually seem that the MILKMAN is using his obfuscating powers to render many of the antagonists impossible to detect. Even by the naked eye.
We're not dealing with plain old antagonists, people. These are foes ascended to God status. They are taking everything of DJay's writing and combining them to make meta-super-antagonists.

Red: So.. so what the FUCK do we do? What the fuck CAN we do?
Shade: Calm down.
TD: It's a legitimate question, ahahahaaaa. This is kind of deep.
Dark: I'm gonna completely side with them, Shade.
Shade: Dark.
Dark: Yeah. Yeah, Dark. Fucking DARK. Dark, the guy who.. the guy who's always the comedic relief! Me! I'm freaking out, Shade. I can't keep it up. I CAN'T.
Shadow: Dark, please calm down.
Red: Please don't remind me of that!
Dark: And NOW it turns out we have to go to the place of my worst nightmares, except it's EVEN WORSE!
[they stop]
Shade: Now look. Yes, we're going up against something a little on the ridiculously-powerful side of things. Yes, they're beings hard for us to comprehend, let alone consider tangible.
Shadow: And there may be enemies we don't even know about.
Shade: Yes. Yes. It's an INCREDIBLY daunting task. But LOOK, okay? Really LOOK at the gravity of the situation. If we do nothing, it'll be another hiatus.
[everyone gets goosebumps]
Shade: YEAH. Exactly. It's do or die, boys. Do or die.
[Shade takes a deep breath]
Shade: Let me put it another way.
Chapter 2: "It's Time People Took Dark Chao Seriously."
Shade: Nice touch, Deej.
[I give a thumbs-up.]
Egg: I agree with the boy's points. This show isn't taken too seriously, but that's because it hasn't been written to be taken seriously. I mean, I was sick of not being taken seriously, so you know what I did? I took over the world!
Shade: Exactly. And look at Shadow, he was just a minor character, but he went and became one of the main protagonists!
Shadow: I mean. Both Eggman and I had DJay on our sides, the unexpected developments. It wasn't like hard work, alone, was all it took. We needed luck.
Shade: Well, yes. If you want to put it like a political metaphor, the poor need far more than just hard work to get rich. They need fucking luck beyond compare. But we HAVE that luck, guys. We're the main protagonists.
Shadow: Yeah. The sixth and seven seasons were just trying to, if you will, level us up. We needed to grow some beards of our own so that DJay could write us as believably strong characters.
Shade: Yeah, exactly! It's cooperation of the characters and the author. We have to do some hard work, but it all pays off in the end. It makes us well-rounded.
[Red raises his head]
Red: I see what you're getting. I.. yeah, that helps. But Dark and I never really got the character development you two did.
Shadow: You guys got INDIRECT character development, which if you'll ask me is the best damn kind. I'm rather envious, actually.
Shade: I hate to sound patronizing, but you two are sorta the foils of the group. You're there as support for strengthening characters. You're VITAL.
Shadow: We're ALL foils of each other. Shade is the bold and cocky one who plays off Red's and my humble side. Red's the smart guy to play off Dark's and Shade's more naive selves.
Red: And.. and Dark's the funny pop culture guy to play off of mine and Shadow's rather "plain guy" personas. And Shadow's… I dunno. What IS Shadow?
Shadow: I'm, uh… I'm… hm.
[You're the Lamb. You're the sacrificial messiah who's here to inspire proactive behavior in a show that's otherwise lazy and half-assed. You represent growing up, coming of age.]
[You are the direct counter to the show's own motto: "Living life one step at a time." You live life one giant fucking leap at a time.]
[You, Shadow, are a foil to all. And you will be the one to foil the antagonists' malevolent intentions.]
Shadow: Wow. Uh.. yeah, that! So yeah, who's with me?
Shade: Who's with US?
[the protagonists cheer]
Dark: We're gonna fucking blow some milk all over the place.
Shade: I wouldn't go around saying that!
Shadow: Wait. What about all the other guys? Future me and all that?
Egg: That's, uh. Wow, that's a good question. What do you say we go find out?
[cut to the Dark Garden; the protagonists walk in]
Shade: They're not here. Where else could th--
[SCREAAAAM from nearby]
[they run towards it!]
[cut to the Neutral Garden; Future Shadow, Future Shade, White, Chao, and Amphis are fighting off more shadow people]
[Shade nods at Dark, who throws Final Fantasy 7]
[the shadow people are all dead]
ShadowF: Hello! Thank you!
Shade: Okay, we gotta give you the pep talk Shadow and I just gave these guys 'cause it was really cool and you gotta hear it.
[Shadow laughs]
Shadow: Yeah, it was.. pretty cool.
Chapter 3: Tangled up in Grey
Shade: Okay. So. What's the news on the Shade Junior front?
Amfy: We found all the Freelancer chao dead behind the waterfall. Covered in eights and fives.
Shade: …SHIT. What even is going on! So what about Shade Junior?
ShadeF: Kid, we.. thought we found him. And he led us to the dead bodies. But when we turned to face him, he was gone.
Shade: ..huh. Okay.
Chao: You're taking this awfully well.
Shade: Well, I mean. He wasn't really that much a part of the show, was he? Besides, we're gonna find him eventually. It's closure, and there's only.. how many episodes left?
ShadowF: The next one will be the last.
[they look at him a bit]
MK: That's kinda scary, isn't it? To think that this is seriously almost over. Eight years, wasn't it?
Red: 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012. ..yeah. Eight years. Eight seasons. Eighty-five episodes.
Shade: Is this.. the longest-running fanfiction ever? Can't be.
Dark: I'm sure there's, like.. Sherlock Holmes stuff or something. Or the Bible, I guess.
Red: Yeah, look at Revelations. That's technically fanfiction. Hell, you could say the New Testament is fanfiction to the Old one.
Shade: God, and DJay thought the 9/11 jokes were offensive thirty episodes ago.
Shadow: I'm pretty sure we'll be, at the very least, one of the longer Sonic fanfiction stories out there, right?
Shade: I wanna say we'll be the best-written, possibly most complex.
Shadow: What if we put Sonic Team back on the map? Wouldn't that be hilarious?
Shade: Where the hell did THAT come from?
Dark: I dunno.
Shade: What if, like.. Sonic Team offered DJay a job as a writer?
[they all laugh]
Shadow: No, they won't do that.
Red: Would he even accept if they did?
Shade: Probably! Money's money.
Amfy: One thing's for sure: We'd see a lot more dominant women in Sonic games.
Red: And Dream Theater would be hired to provide the soundtrack to the next game.
Dark: No, I got it. Between the Buried and Me.
[…oh god. xD Going through some bright flowery Green Hill Zone and all you hear in the background is GROWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLL]
MK: What were we talking about, again?
Nite: Shadow-- that is, Future Shadow. We need to have a little talk.
ShadowF: Sure.
[Levity, Eggman, and Future Shadow fade out]
[in the meantime, the protagonists go to check out the dead bodies]
Dark: Wow. Even Quartz is here. I never suspected anybody'd actually go and kill the guy.
Red: They even killed Shadow Bonic. That dude was a crazy-good Chaos Chao.
Shade: Whoever did this is just gonna wind up like these guys. I hope they know that. They're causing conflict, therefore they are an antagonist. And in the end, the antagonists will be bested.
Red: I really hope so.
[the Veterans return]
ShadowF: Fellows, I believe it's time we got down to business.
Chapter 4: It's Business Time
ShadowF: Let me clear some space.

We're not gonna beat around the bush any longer. Boys, your best bet for chaos drives is clearly Chao Talk. All other alternatives just get blocked by some antagonistic move and/or unexpected development.
I know you don't want to go to Chao Talk again. But you're going to have to. It won't be easy. It won't leave you unscarred. We will help all that we can, but we still cannot help you that much.
Of course, Chao Talk will not be the only area you'll have to visit on your last adventure.
You'll find yourselves exploring the farthest reaches of time and space. ..again, come to think of it. You have many video games to visit, many tactics to learn and many cronies to defeat.
You're going to have to go back to the Camper Festival at some point, for instance. I'm not sure what for, but you will have to.
You'll fight each other. You'll fight everyone around you. You'll fight DJay, and ultimately, you'll fight the show's biggest threats.
But you know what? I know you'll succeed. You have one long adventure ahead of you, but you've been through eight long seasons building up to this.
I can't promise all of you will come out of this alive. That's right. Some of you are going to die. You're martyrs, of course, for the freedom that this will provide.
This isn't just some cheesy "Good versus Evil" plot. This is a foe that strives for revenge for all its tragic flaws. You all have your own flaws and negative aspects. It's blue and orange, not black and white.
But you have to do this. For the good of the show. Okay? If you don't do this, we will all be stuck on another indefinite hiatus.
This is for the good of everyone present. The good of the readers, the good of DJay, the good of yourselves, the good of ourselves, the good of the public, the good of the antagonists, the good of the show.
Any questions?

Dark: I have a few. WHY CHAO TALK?
Egg: Chao Talk is the place you fear most. That's why.
Red: Why us?
Nite: Because you're the Dark Chao who go on Adventures.
Shadow: Why these particular antagonists?
ShadowF: Because they are the real victims around here, and the way they were treated as characters means they don't know how to cope with being victims.
Shade: Why was the show threatened in the first place, is my question. Couldn't DJay have just treated this like some other story back in the seventh season?
ShadeF: Sure, he could have. But he didn't, so why question it? We should consider ourselves lucky he didn't just end it with a big deus ex machina. Hell, be glad he didn't end it with Episode 50. He had to grow the beard some day.
Red: Something's been bugging me, Future Shade, ever since Gears n' Roses.
ShadeF: Heh, other than the fact that that thing ended on a cliffhanger and both attempts at continuing it were scrapped?
Red: Yeah. You always seemed to know a little bit more about the meta show than.. well, than any character would.
ShadeF: You want the truth, Red? I can give you the truth. After all, the show's ending. Why not?
[Future Shade walks up to Red]
ShadeF: I AM DJay.
[the chao look at him]
ShadeF: It may seem to you like every chao over a certain age seems to be really in-touch with DJay's thoughts. Look at Shawn or Cham, for instance. They have the paper. I don't. I don't need it.
Red: But how does that make any sense?
ShadeF: Hah. Simple. I'm Shade from the future, aren't I? Shade was DJay as a young dweeb, in chao format. Shadow was DJay as a teenager, trilby and all. I'm him as he envisions himself older.
Shadow: Does that mean I'm somehow related to you guys?
ShadeF: Now, I dunno about that, and I don't intend to go all Maury "YOU ARE THE FATHER" on you. Form whatever Wild Mass-Guesses you want. All I know is that I share every one of DJay's opinions and thoughts.
[he chuckles]
ShadeF: Why, you could even call me the token Marty Stu. It wouldn't be incorrect. I am an unkillable, unbeatable, unoutsmartable genius. With a cowboy hat, stubble, and shotgun. And I'm from the future.
ShadowF: I guess the truth of the matter is that the future ain't what it used to be. We're simply labelled as you guys from the future, but character-wise, we're quite different.
ShadeF: DJay never did like writing time travel. We were just different characters to him.
ShadowF: The best advice we can give is "Just don't think about it too much." Not right now, anyway. You have an adventure to go on.
ShadeF: Yeah. I'll sit this one out, if that's alright. Don't wanna cramp your style. But hey, good luck anyway.
Chapter 5: It's Time.
[Shadow takes a deep breath]
Shadow: Looks like it's time, guys.
Shade: Hey. Good luck, man. Good luck to us all.
Dark: Yeah, good luck. I feel like we're about to fight Giygas or something.
Red: It's more like we're about to travel back in time to take on all those annoying enemies and then eventually fight Giygas.
Shadow: Either way. We're gonna need a lot of luck for this. But if we can pull it off? Well, it may very well be the most exciting thing anyone's ever seen.
Amfy: We're all going in, though. We're all gonna try to help how we can.
Chao: Yeah, even I will. I can't just sit here and watch you guys wander around a reality-bending city with no help whatsoever.
ShadowF: Yes, rest assured, protagonists. You'll be getting a lot of help. But I fear even all this help won't be enough. The enemies are that tough.
Dark: Oh, I know. I fucking know. It's Chao Talk.
Shadow: We're ready, though. Send us off. Bring on the last adventure.
[Future Shadow snaps his fingers, and all the protagonists disappear, leaving the Veteran's Committee and Future Shade in the void]
Nite: Didn't have the heart to tell 'em about Sancheria, did you?
ShadowF: No.

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